Understood Oblivescence

I don’t know how you’ll take this pain

My heart didn’t shatter, it shriveled like a rotting cherry in the summer sun

This wasn’t the first time I’ve cried in the rain

The turbulence of my feelings, I wanted a maelstrom to rise up and suck me away that day, I still feel as though I’m drowning

I never know how I hurt others when I’ve dug in so deep they bleed

My love is like an icicle, that stabs into your soul, melting and leaving a bitter taste on the roof of your mouth

I’m always searching for a semblance of joy, or maybe just contentment

But every time I find a shard, no matter how small, in this tall tangled itchy grass

It slips through my fingers, down the glistening stream, my tears following behind like sorrowful silvery salmon

The wind has cracked my raw salty cheeks, leaving tracks to show the trails of tears, my eyelashes are crusted with thoughts of you

My heart is not broken, no, that is a lie that won’t make either of us feel good about this

My thoughts reeling in turmoil like moths above candle flame, searching out more pain in the form of beauty

But my love, I feel so empty

I cannot right this without help, help that I cannot expect to be forthcoming.

I feel so broken, I’m not torn, I’m just hurting, maybe I’m a little unsure…. This is a feeling that needs to pass, I want to be happy again, I want to show you that happiness, please, I’m sorry I was too weak for us, I want to be strong again.

Why?
Everytime I turn around
I’ve done something wrong again.
we were happy
Then you fucked her
I tried to be happy again, but it was hard reaching out
It felt likeyou gave up waiting for me to say something
I hadn’t given up, but I was losing faith
You started disappearing more
I stopped expecting you to come back
Now we’re stuck in this gutter of foul emotion
I don’t know where to go from here
I don’t think you do either.

To write until my fingers bleed
To paint and wait for the vibrant red
To rust
To sing my throat into ruin
To dance the pads of my toes raw

To taste the sweet wind on my unconcerned tongue
To feel plush soft grass
Moist with dew
Beneath my legs
Cold, and wonderful

Honeyed wine warms my belly
Sunlight melts away the near-permanent frown wrinkles
You tickle my nose with a strand of your hair
Your smile, my star, shines through my blurry vision
Your visage will always be pleasant
Not unlike the moon

I never tarry long
Now I’ve found you worth the wait
Goodnight, my precious
You have my gratitude, my love
I am full of simple fears, and complex desires
You let me be myself, I wouldn’t have it any other way

My toes are healing
My throat has changed
My fingers grew calluses, and I grew deranged
The blood on my portrait is a permanent stain
My clumsy words stumble over bumps and grooves

Soon I will travel, while staying right here
On another adventure
I hope you are near.

Yet another fleeting life
Like moth’s wings
Insatiable the desire for heat
I burn up
Was it because I wanted passion so much
I was willing to die?

Now I am just ash
Swept away on wind currents
Empty
Hopeless
Alone
With everything around me
Simply existing.

Forgetting for a milisecond

Who I am and what I was

 Cold, uncaring, aloof was I

What changed me?

The feeling of someone showing affection

The absolute trust that they would not hurt me?

He brought my walls crashing down

Left me floundering as my floods broke through

I need to build my support beams back up

So I can survive with him as well as without.

I continue to have strange dreams. I feel lost now. I think it”s gotten to the point where I simply don’t know who I am anymore, or what to do with myself. Labeling myself would give me a directive, A box to fit myself into, but that always felt too easy to me (or maybe to hard) I can’t fit into just one box when there are so many other things in the world I enjoy. Since i”ve stopped going to school I’ve felt more and more out of it, less intelligent as well, though that could be because I’ve lost all my motivation to give an effort. I feel disconnected from myself, and that’s made me start to doubt many things that I haven”t felt insecure about for a long time.I stop being good company, or having good conversation, when I can’t even enjoy my own damn company. It’s at that stage again, I just want to fade away, wouldn’t things be better for everyone? The people who do care, I feel insecure about asking help from, I will get stronger. There’s no need to compare myself to others, or be anyone other than who I want to be, if I can’t decide instantly who I am, then that’s fine to, I’ll figure it out along the way. I can’t hold these people back with my unhappiness, it doesn”t give me pleasure to do as such, I like making others feel happier, I may as well keep trying to get along, I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished much, but that doesn’t matter, maybe I can change that.

My blood is pumping

Furious, my heart tries to escape my chest

I wonder if she thinks this is a contest

I am screaming, in anger

I have been disillusioned

You said you thought so highly of me

Apparently it was not enough

I may have stopped the bullies from hurting you when you were young

Did I help you spread your wings

Just so you could tear at mine?

My creativity was dwindiling

Her fire dulled to sullen embers

I had run from- No, not run

I walked away from the many things I loved

My brain was fuzzy, full of cotton

It’s time to clear away the cobwebs

Keep your feather duster away, my sweet

I need a blow-torch.